In a Constant State of Nostalgic Change

 

Status: ..its super gross out and my feet are cold
Listen'in to: The joy of the washing machine..woot woot!

Patrick is sick today. It makes me think, sometimes I enjoy being sick not because I just get a kick out of feeling like crap but because when your stressed you look back on those days and think of staying in your Pjs, drinking hot tea while watching 7th heaven reruns and it brings me a sort of strange comfort. Taking naps during the day and waking up just in time for lunch in bed :]. I guess if given the option I'd much rather be well and frolicking about but it does make me somehow nostalgic. Though when patchy's sick is loads different, like a child he doesn't really understand whats wrong with him and why he feels this way and he always has this sad apologetic look on his face as if to say "I'm sorry I'm sick." I don't understand how some people have pets and DON'T treat them like people, its normal to me.

I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow and I'm so excited! The plan was to lay out today and get some color so tomorrow I'd be a real sight but with my luck and Vienna's pure love for me today is cold, windy, rainy and just plain old gross. I'm disappointed but not surprised. I still have color left from Italy though so its not a total loss.

You know what I realized yesterday. Sometimes being the bigger person means doing the most uncomfortable thing. Any relationship is a give and take and I find a lot of the time you become comfortable with how you live your life and you just get in this rut, for it to work both sides need to agree to change, agree to re-evaluate their lives and figure out how to make it work better but when those people are SO alike neither will change unless the other does, and neither does because the other wont. So after much contemplation I've realized that though it will be so strange for me I need to change, I need to fix what has been wrong for so many years. Around other people I'm this mature person but around those I'm closest to I fall back into my spoiled-lazy attitude. The strange thing is I know I do this and I don't like it about myself but its just how its been for years and I guess it baffles me that if I'm aware of it why I do nothing to change it? I guess I've been waiting for those closest to me change first, but all being Russian (aka genetically stubborn) I know they wont. So I figure if one needs to change for others, they must need to change for themselves as well-to be a better person in this life. I've also come to the realistic terms that this is my life and theres absolutely no way I can predict the future, I just have to live it and not just exist in this time, with these person. You can't share your love with others unless you know why you love your life and its my personal opinion that 19 is too young to know what "Life" is. I've got too much living to do before I can formulate that definition. Its strange to not have a plan because I've had one since I was 5. hmm. interesting.

Me