Catching Up and Breakfast

Status: Content
Entertainment: Pimp My Ride – MTV

I ate cookies and Doritos for breakfast :] that’s prob the most disgusting thing I can do but it’s a part of being young and extremely stupid…I take advantage of my youth ahha.
So YES I have finally found time to write and post! Don’t think I’ve forgotten about you. First off I don’t have internet in my apartment and secondly if I’m not working I’m at the beach or doing something else that requires being on the opposite side of the city from the internet cafe. Really there isn’t too much over the top news, I mean Varna is Varna…its all about relaxing and enjoying life and living each day like your last. Laying at the beach all day, spending the evening wining and dining and then clubbing at night, it’s a total dream vacation spot basically. Though I did all that for the entire month of June I was also kicking my own ass at work. For me personally it was so great to finally dance after months and months of what you all know as hell. The hardest but best part for me – actually, was breaking through the shell I was enclosed in. When your told everyday that your not good enough, that your bad, that you lack what is necessary, even though you know its not true you do start to believe it and in response you get worse, insecure. When I came here I wanted to prove to myself that they were wrong and I knew it, the first week or two were hard I almost couldn't remember how to dance with feeling because I was just scared of not being as good as I was…then I broke through that and after the premiere the main compliment I got was "Why did you dance the lead? You have the most feeling on stage." And for a dancer that’s a great great compliment, its why we’re doing this. Despite my personal take on it, a ballet is a group production and this was a hard one, if one thing was right another was wrong….or just EVERYTHING was wrong and it was definitely stressful and emotionally tasking but in the end we pulled it off and its over. Usually I’m pretty sad when things end but this company is (honestly) so unprofessional that I’m just relieved I was able to hold up my part and help some other people but I’m ready to find a place I belong for good..or at least for a while :]
Another reason I didn’t write for a while was that I was really in a process of healing and finding what I lost in myself….what I’ll write now will be a strange example but you have to read between the lines. I’m super versatile, people find me hard to label because one day I’m a bunhead, then I’m a prep, next day I’m all boho chic and after that I can be in sweat pants and a hoodie…I like to switch it up, to find new parts of this body I call "Sofia". I paint my nails black a lot, like 80% of the time, its not a goth thing or an emo thing, to me it’s a stylish thing…nowadays black nails are more of a NYC style trend than anything else I think. I mean I like to be stylish but also different – once in Vienna a conversation came up where a friend said to me "Black isn’t really you…you need something pinkish." And at the time I disagreed but it did get into my head and I took the black off. Vienna was the first time I was fighting to be different but fearing it at the same time….my dancing suffered and my happiness did too. I also took a huge slap in the face when it comes to guys and my confidence, I only found the strength to say what I should have said months ago last week and I’m in a process of growing away from it (not getting over it), but it does take healing and that doesn’t happen over night.
Varna was something I desperately needed, a transition between heaven and hell or some slanted version of the two ahha, I’m not longer scared about next season or the future because I know I’ve got a good head on my shoulders and I got through it all. Most importantly I know I’m a good dancer, a very good dancer and if I work hard enough I can offer a lot to a company and touch a lot of people.
So for now I’m just taking classes and relaxing on the beach a bit and the future isn’t planned, which is strange for me but change can be good every now and then.
I promise to update more now that I have time lovies.
Me

PS- pictures in a while :]

A Nice Transition

 

Status: relieved/interested

Darlings! I'm writing you from Varna! I cant believe it myself, I would have never in a million years guessed that I'd be back here this summer and its doing wonders for my life haha.

So, I live in an apartment right next door (literally) to the opera. I'm renting a room from this women and her family, shes very nice and welcoming and treats me like a niece almost. She has a 12 year old daughter who takes ballet at the academy and is in love with me, its so sweet. The place is nice, not spectacular but normal, though it doesn't matter cause I'm really never there. I'm at the opera from early afternoon to evening almost everyday and sometimes Saturdays (they usually don't work weekends but with this production it looks like we'll be hauling lots of overtime.) When I do have time I'm usually strolling the beach, Internet cafe, my dads place or partying somewhere somehow alone or with friends.
Work is great, but hard because I haven't done anything for a few months and its frustrating at times. The class is so good and really fast pace so its work for my brain as well as my legs. Rehearsals have been good, not as strenuous because we're still learning but my toes have already taken a pretty good beating after just 4 days. The ballet is a new version of the 199..1995? Dr. Zhivago. I'm dancing the cranes (its the hardest female role in the ballet outside of soloists.) and I'm understudy for the waltz, theres no "official" cast so we kinda get cast as we go along, I might be in more also. The company is small and decent, nothing amazing nothing grand. The girls are nice but its often difficult to really connect because we have a language barrier. I understand Bulgarian and they understand Russian but neither of us can speak to the other so its frustrating sometimes but we try our best. The older dancers of course speak Russian so I'm not totally alone.
I feel like I'm getting back in shape, my weights going back to normal and I'm not 100% jumping off the walls but I'm much happier at the moment then I've been in a long time. I'm still waiting to find the right fit, the right place to be for me but for now this is a good transition.
The premiere is June 25 and the second performance is the 27, but I may stay much longer, it depends what other offers I have down the road.

I'll keep you posted (and try to get some pics/videos.)

Me

You Could Be Happy

Hello my dears!
I'm sorry I haven't written in quite some time, a lot has been happening and I wanted to work it all out before I started jibber jabbering about it on here. So as you know my days at Opera Populare weren't exactly the highlight of my life and I hadn't been there for a few weeks. Problems just kept escalating and they weren't problems caused by me, it seemed everyone had a problem with everything I did and it angered them that I would just follow their rules...but I'm not 6 years old to be told how to act and when to dance and not dance, I'm sorry. So since I will not be here next season starting May 30th I would have NO rehearsals because I'm not cast for Romeo and Juliet, I'm not in next seasons nutcracker and not dancing in the school matinee performance. So, I could sit here for another month and waste my life or I could do something about it.
I'm leaving tomorrow for Varna, its amazing how life turns out. Last year when I left I for sure though I'd be there 2008 and not before, but now its a 3 year in a row deal. I love it there, absolutely adore it and would live there if there was a decent company. The company I AM working for is not horrible but very weak, I'm doing it because its a job, I'll be dancing a very difficult ballet and I'll be happy. Thankfully Opera let me go without problems, but not with the truth either ;)
I'm glad to be leaving of course but its difficult to leave something I feel is so incomplete, its a time in my life I wish I could take back, for a long time I couldn't forgive myself for something that wasn't my fault, in all attempts to change it, to make it better I feel like I failed. In reality this is not my fault and I did try and I didn't have enough control to change it....but I need to accept that and today is not that day. Nor is tomorrow. I'm ready for a fresh start, to start my life AGAIN. It just difficult to leave, to end it..to know I cant fix it anymore. I will miss the people horribly, some of my close girlfriends and of course, the boy. But I keep telling myself that what I need now, what I really need is my career, that is my key to happiness and once I get that ball rolling everything will fall into place. Everything happens as it should.
So...in Sofia fashion I'm off once again. This is my life, dancing on the tracks, I'm never in one place for too long and when I am, you know its cause I've fallen in love with it. We'll see were love gets me.
Glad I can take u all for the ride :]

World Traveling Me

In a Constant State of Nostalgic Change

 

Status: ..its super gross out and my feet are cold
Listen'in to: The joy of the washing machine..woot woot!

Patrick is sick today. It makes me think, sometimes I enjoy being sick not because I just get a kick out of feeling like crap but because when your stressed you look back on those days and think of staying in your Pjs, drinking hot tea while watching 7th heaven reruns and it brings me a sort of strange comfort. Taking naps during the day and waking up just in time for lunch in bed :]. I guess if given the option I'd much rather be well and frolicking about but it does make me somehow nostalgic. Though when patchy's sick is loads different, like a child he doesn't really understand whats wrong with him and why he feels this way and he always has this sad apologetic look on his face as if to say "I'm sorry I'm sick." I don't understand how some people have pets and DON'T treat them like people, its normal to me.

I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow and I'm so excited! The plan was to lay out today and get some color so tomorrow I'd be a real sight but with my luck and Vienna's pure love for me today is cold, windy, rainy and just plain old gross. I'm disappointed but not surprised. I still have color left from Italy though so its not a total loss.

You know what I realized yesterday. Sometimes being the bigger person means doing the most uncomfortable thing. Any relationship is a give and take and I find a lot of the time you become comfortable with how you live your life and you just get in this rut, for it to work both sides need to agree to change, agree to re-evaluate their lives and figure out how to make it work better but when those people are SO alike neither will change unless the other does, and neither does because the other wont. So after much contemplation I've realized that though it will be so strange for me I need to change, I need to fix what has been wrong for so many years. Around other people I'm this mature person but around those I'm closest to I fall back into my spoiled-lazy attitude. The strange thing is I know I do this and I don't like it about myself but its just how its been for years and I guess it baffles me that if I'm aware of it why I do nothing to change it? I guess I've been waiting for those closest to me change first, but all being Russian (aka genetically stubborn) I know they wont. So I figure if one needs to change for others, they must need to change for themselves as well-to be a better person in this life. I've also come to the realistic terms that this is my life and theres absolutely no way I can predict the future, I just have to live it and not just exist in this time, with these person. You can't share your love with others unless you know why you love your life and its my personal opinion that 19 is too young to know what "Life" is. I've got too much living to do before I can formulate that definition. Its strange to not have a plan because I've had one since I was 5. hmm. interesting.

Me

Health Kicks and Love Lives

Status: emotional confuzled
Hockey: Canada vs. Sweden...3-1. [world champs gold medal game TOMORROW]

So since I've been out of the Opera Populare (for reasons I can not yet disclose..but yes, I'm still under contract and no I'm not injured.) I've been on a total health kick..or more so the way I usually am. I find that the less I do the less I want to do, at work when I'm constantly told no, no, no it gives me little to NO motivation to want to better my body, technique or even mood. I've found new life! Its great, I workout so much now and the past three days my body hurt so much, but its that good kind of hurt. I'm also on this health juice vitamin drink, which you think only nutcases drink..and you'd be correct since that's what I am. At home I used to drive to Whole Foods for fun just cause I was bored, it was like mom and I bonding time. Next week I'm getting my hair shaped, I love the length right now because I've had it shortish for the past few years and now its about below my shoulders but I want serious layers and angles in front...I'm thinking about redying parts of it as well but I'm gonna get it cut first and then see. Have you ever noticed how a haircut can just change the enter month haha. Sometimes I adore being a girl.
I'm also really working on my french, I have a french penpal and its hard but I'm getting there (at the pace of a handicap snail but none the less!)..actually I have a few new penpals. Europe is awesome haha.
Now, I usually try not to go too in depth with my love life on dancingtracks cause a. I think its tacky b. I hate girls who think every other person in the world is interested..but I'm going to take a lil dip into it if ya'll don't mind. I was watching that show "Next" on MTV and I was thinking about going on it (not seriously!) and I was like "hmm, what qualities do I look for in a guy?". Now, there's someone I know here, a friend of mine who I'm very close to. Lets just say hes a very special person in my life and though we've never had any romantic contact at times it seems difficult for me to believe I'm still single, because my heart is 100% taken and I don't have a problem with it. After asking myself this question I thought "I couldn't really ask for more." Its true, and I don't put him on a pedestal because we argue, hes hurt me in the past and we do disagree sometimes, I know his faults. Its just an interesting place for me to be because I'm 19 and I want to party and have a good time but if he asked me to have a completely exclusive relationship I would without a second thought. I think its just the fact that you think you have an idea of a person who doesn't exist and then you meet that person and the closer you become the more astonishing it is...I used to really beat myself up about it, because I'm leaving and its going to be the hardest goodbye I've ever had, but I have faith it will all turn out like its supposed to in the end.

Me

PS. New song on the blog. and if your not on my mailing list and want to be lemme know :] just a heads up for my loverly fans. Plus u can all email me just cause u love me and miss me and want to be a valuable part of my life :] hehe.

Saturday Night 'Excitment'

Status: Bored out of my mind's mind!!!!
Entertainment: TV..but considering I'm bored it must not be entertaining.

Why I'm Updating....

A. I'm bored out of my mind and thinking about playing in the rain just to do something and get off my ass...but that'll last like 5 min and then I'll think "whose shitty ass idea was this?..oh..mine." I mean do you ever have that feeling that you just need to go out with a friend and get coffee, go see a movie, get dressed put makeup on and see something other than the four walls of you bedroom? Honestly I want to get out and get going (but more on that later...)

B. I had GREAT plans but they have been canceled due to performance tomorrow..which I actually understand 100% and respect. I hate dancers who take no pride in their work and don't take care of their body...I hate dancers who go out and party until early hours of the morning knowing they have work the next day. They figure they can just sleep it off in the morning but it's pretty bad to wake up late when you have a performance..anyways. I was sad for like 2 minutes and then I thought "Hey, I'd do the same thing..get over it."

C. "More on that later." My mind is filled with ideas...bouncing bouncing bouncing. Since I've been back from Italy all I want to do is leave. I really have no idea why I'm here, honestly. I'm here because my clothes are here haha, it seems like it. I know my friends will be sad and frustrated but happy that I will be dancing again and not sitting on my ass getting yelled at for stupid things. I'm waiting to hear back from some people in regards to if/how much I will be paid and in what conditions I'll be living and an interesting opportunity has come up in Helsinki. I researched it last night and wonder why I overlooked it before, I like the opera a lot actually..but that was just throw around and not at all definite or planned...long story short GET ME OUTTA HERE!..

D. Rachel* got to me again today. The past few weeks we've been much more civil with each other, friendly even but she started her rants again today. Part of me really wants to stick up for myself and be like "this is my life, my opinion..deal with it." but at the same time I think why waste my energy? and why does she even care?...seriously some people are SO insecure it scares me. The thing is I don't feel bad because shes counting all of my mistakes but doesn't see the huge blemish of one shes making, I'm not her mother, I take care of my life and I have a mother in the event that I should need one. Just venting my aggravation.

E. Hockey World Champs are on...but Austrian TV plays like one game a week. I seriously want to strangle this country sometimes! gaaaaah!

F. I'm really fucking tired, excuse my french (see G.), of opera populare, and not even the opera but the one women who hates me and I hate her. So I'm giving her what she wants but there are some really smart dancers and some blatantly stupid ones. I've seen these same situations since I was like 5. Oh, I'll give her what she wants..but seeing at I'm not sticking around my longer and I'm definitely not here next year..well, lets just say I really hope my leg doesn't suddenly start hurting hm? I refuse to further hurt my body because its "the rules"...who the fuck are you anyways? She bothers me. can you tell? haha.

G. I'm studying french...er? re-studying french haha. I'm actually surprised how much I really do remember. I'm trying to find a penpal online to help me but its not as easy as it sounds hahaha...I want someone I don't know so I can do all that "J'adore danse" stuff haha. I have two friends that are fluent but the things I want to say are too advanced hahah. Any ideas?

So...after writing this I'm still bored. I'm sending Flavia a text message and that's my last try. I shall sit and stare at these white walls and continue wishing I had played in the rain haha.
Hope y'all are well. Write me some e-mails if u get a chance to let me know whats new :]

Moment of the Day: I talked to the person I was mad at, and we cleared things up and now were a lot closer than we've been for months. ha. I love him!

Me

My Trip to Italia

 

Status: upset/hurt...sorting it out later.
Entertainment: Music Videos

Hey Lovies! I'm back from the pasta country! It was a great trip.
One thing I was pleasantly surprised about was TrenItalia, their trains...they are really comfortable, nice, clean and the people who work on them (what is the correct term? haha) are quite friendly and really helpful and care about their passengers. It was really nice.
Most of the time I was in Milan, the city itself is gorgeous. Its just all those wonderful old European buildings everywhere. I love that style so I took pictures of nearly everything! Their main cathedral, Duomo, is Gothic/medieval...like all famous cathedrals haha, which is also an architectual love of mine. Milan has some cute shops, I did in fact fall in love with one store and bought a cute shirt and jean skirt there. A lot of the stores were closed due to the May holidays (in many European countries May 1st is a big holiday) but it was still nice to go and look.
Milan is not the center for food as I learned but three things I did enjoy were gelato (of course!), their coffee..it was such heaven, and their wine. The people in Italy are soooo friendly and nice and, well I'm going to be honest here, BEAUTIFUL! Men and women. Amazing. and the language, its so amazing. I was actually able to pick it up pretty quick,partially because I tried to speak Italian at ever opportunity and secondly because its similar to french so it stuck.
One day we went to Genova which is also very old and beautiful but very different. Its on the coast and extremely hilly so it resembles California a bit. We went to an aquarium there, just because haha.
On my last day I went to Teatro La Scala to watch a class and rehearsal. I didn't like the class much, I wont get into details why but if you'd like feel free to ask and I'll tell you (...meaning bunheads out there haha) why, in depth. Rehearsal was interesting for a few reasons. It was Nureyev's Sleeping Beauty and you all know I'm not a fan of his choreography so it was well, different haha but the dancers worked really hard. The company is much weaker than Vienna, individual dancers and as a whole, but they dance much cleaner. I also saw one dancer tear her Achilles...which Ive never seen before so...it was just interesting because Ive heard so many stories of how it happens and boom, there it was.
Overall the trip was nice, I definitely don't regret going. I wrote a lot in Italy, I don't know if that's because I was suddenly inspired or because I didn't have my computer but either way I'm just glad I'm back to writing, I missed it so much. I think its just therapeutic to be in beautiful cities with so much energy in them. Milan definitely prepared me for my next adventure...I'm definitely ready to go.

Pictures @ http://community.webshots.com/user/SKonstanceU

Me