Catching Up and Breakfast

Status: Content
Entertainment: Pimp My Ride – MTV

I ate cookies and Doritos for breakfast :] that’s prob the most disgusting thing I can do but it’s a part of being young and extremely stupid…I take advantage of my youth ahha.
So YES I have finally found time to write and post! Don’t think I’ve forgotten about you. First off I don’t have internet in my apartment and secondly if I’m not working I’m at the beach or doing something else that requires being on the opposite side of the city from the internet cafe. Really there isn’t too much over the top news, I mean Varna is Varna…its all about relaxing and enjoying life and living each day like your last. Laying at the beach all day, spending the evening wining and dining and then clubbing at night, it’s a total dream vacation spot basically. Though I did all that for the entire month of June I was also kicking my own ass at work. For me personally it was so great to finally dance after months and months of what you all know as hell. The hardest but best part for me – actually, was breaking through the shell I was enclosed in. When your told everyday that your not good enough, that your bad, that you lack what is necessary, even though you know its not true you do start to believe it and in response you get worse, insecure. When I came here I wanted to prove to myself that they were wrong and I knew it, the first week or two were hard I almost couldn't remember how to dance with feeling because I was just scared of not being as good as I was…then I broke through that and after the premiere the main compliment I got was "Why did you dance the lead? You have the most feeling on stage." And for a dancer that’s a great great compliment, its why we’re doing this. Despite my personal take on it, a ballet is a group production and this was a hard one, if one thing was right another was wrong….or just EVERYTHING was wrong and it was definitely stressful and emotionally tasking but in the end we pulled it off and its over. Usually I’m pretty sad when things end but this company is (honestly) so unprofessional that I’m just relieved I was able to hold up my part and help some other people but I’m ready to find a place I belong for good..or at least for a while :]
Another reason I didn’t write for a while was that I was really in a process of healing and finding what I lost in myself….what I’ll write now will be a strange example but you have to read between the lines. I’m super versatile, people find me hard to label because one day I’m a bunhead, then I’m a prep, next day I’m all boho chic and after that I can be in sweat pants and a hoodie…I like to switch it up, to find new parts of this body I call "Sofia". I paint my nails black a lot, like 80% of the time, its not a goth thing or an emo thing, to me it’s a stylish thing…nowadays black nails are more of a NYC style trend than anything else I think. I mean I like to be stylish but also different – once in Vienna a conversation came up where a friend said to me "Black isn’t really you…you need something pinkish." And at the time I disagreed but it did get into my head and I took the black off. Vienna was the first time I was fighting to be different but fearing it at the same time….my dancing suffered and my happiness did too. I also took a huge slap in the face when it comes to guys and my confidence, I only found the strength to say what I should have said months ago last week and I’m in a process of growing away from it (not getting over it), but it does take healing and that doesn’t happen over night.
Varna was something I desperately needed, a transition between heaven and hell or some slanted version of the two ahha, I’m not longer scared about next season or the future because I know I’ve got a good head on my shoulders and I got through it all. Most importantly I know I’m a good dancer, a very good dancer and if I work hard enough I can offer a lot to a company and touch a lot of people.
So for now I’m just taking classes and relaxing on the beach a bit and the future isn’t planned, which is strange for me but change can be good every now and then.
I promise to update more now that I have time lovies.
Me

PS- pictures in a while :]